Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
