I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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