I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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