If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Come see our sink grown plant.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
