I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
