I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
