do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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