A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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