Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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