I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
People in love make me want to vomit
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
