I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she told me i tasted like america
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
