Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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