I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
