Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
