Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
