i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
