I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
