sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
