Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
