you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
