They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
