So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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