Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you didnt know i had herpes?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
