Im at strip club and am horny
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
