We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
