Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
