and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
