Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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