i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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