how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
