Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
