i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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