you guys were way drunker than both of me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
