I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
