tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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