I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
