I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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