remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
