You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh god it's open bar.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
