i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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