Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
