someone get that fucking seahorse.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
