When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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