I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
