dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
