Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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