I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
vagina is talking i cant
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
