I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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