Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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