We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
