i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
